I Love You Dude, Man, Breh

"Tell your friends you love them" is the common refrain shared on social media with every new suicide or life cut short. 

It sounds simple, but in practice, it's been harder than it sounds. 

Every time I go to tell a male friend I love you, without meaning to, I instinctually add a little modifier to the end: "I love you, man," "I love you, dude," "Love you, buddy," or shorten to "love yah."  Texting or talking, I struggle to get the unedited full version out to even my best friends.

I want to tell you I love you because of the potential unforeseen deaths and all, but in a totally manly, bro-approved way. Cool? Cool. 

Turns out that the insecurity of teenage years and growing up in a homophobic culture have long-lasting effects.

Happily married with two kids, am I still insecure in my sexuality? Maybe it's more of a vulnerability thing. We've been friends for decades; what if they don't love me back? But what if one of us dies, plus all those people on social media told me to tell them? Does this all sound flippant? Well, sarcasm is a coping mechanism too. True. Shit. How did this turn into self-psychoanalysis? I just wanted to "Tell my friends I love them."

Maybe I'm overthinking it. 

To any friends reading this to whom I abruptly said "I love you" at the end of a phone call or when parting ways. Yes, it was awkward for me too. 

Let's keep saying it until it's not.